A song comes on the radio and I am transported. In milliseconds, he sits here with me. His presence tangible. The heat of our interactions warms my skin anew.
It’s been years now. And yet my mind returns to him sometimes. With a strength and a passion that craves what we had. That demands his return.
Why do we return to our past loves?
Why do we drag them out of storage and rifle through the mental photo box?
And today, why do we spend an afternoon falling in love over old emails and sentiment long since abandoned?
Today is that day for me.
I was supposed to write about my birthday.
Ed Sheeran messed that up. Well, Ed and a trip to my office – to a fateful folder that holds our relationship – or what remains of it. It is the only tangible proof that he was real. That we were real.
He loved me then. I know he did.
And yet I move forward with a whisper of doubt, sometimes looking back longingly. Missing what was. Missing the fantasy that I had created about our life – the future that was never going to be.
I was well put-together before that stupid song came on. Before it coalesced with those few scraps I’d read this morning to cascade down my face in an outpouring of sadness.
So I return to the why. Why can’t I cast it aside? He has made a choice. His life moved in another direction – and he is welcome to that choice; I pray he finds happiness there. I genuinely hope that he is happy.
If my head is done, if my head can accept reality… If my head knows the truth, why can’t I get this chest-thumping, blood-pumping, organ on board?
When a relationship crumbles, why do we revisit it?
Do we go back to seek closure? Is that it? I just need him to tell me resoundingly to fuck off for good? I need to see that he isn’t better off without me so that I might feel redeemed?
Or maybe it’s a genuine missing of the goods parts of us. There is such nostalgia in the good parts – the way he stumbles over his words when he is tired and still I understand him – it’s cute. He’s cute and the two of us laughed so hard during those times. And does his disappearance from my life mean that those experiences must always bear the painful prick of missing? Must the smile always come with the sting at the back of my eyes?
Or maybe it’s the fear of not ever having that again. Will you ever trust like that again? Ever love so fully? Ever anticipate reconnection so excitedly? Ever again?
Or perhaps it’s the knowing that you can’t ever have it again – not as it was with that one person at that time in your lives – not as it was when you were the younger version of yourself and they were still the man you miss today. Surely, even if we met again, we both will have grown and changed. Maybe we are more calloused and less available – maybe he’s gained a little weight and gotten little greyer. He’s wiser, maybe – and less impetuous. And you weren’t a part of any of those changes.
Today is a sad day of missing and of nostalgia and instead of making it OK … instead of turning it into self-love … instead of making everything about happiness and hopefulness… today I wish to sit and experience these emotions. Specifically these melancholy aching ones. I’ll let the tears be my company today. Maybe next week I can talk about how cool this experience was and how it opened some door to self-esteem that I’d not seen before.
But today, the self-esteem message is simply accepting me exactly as I am right now. Handling myself with compassion. Seeing this tearful sad woman and accepting that she needs this day, these tears, this sadness and this pain.
I won’t Shhhh it away this time.
I’ll hold her while she cries.
Source for Photo is Pon and Zi’s Website
This post is a unique one in that it is an open discussion (I hope) between you and I. I hope you will take time to comment and give me your thoughts and suggestions.
Families are made up of individuals
You love the job you presently have, but your spouse receives a dream job offer in a foreign place.
There are so many things to consider… do you have children? What will their education be like? How about our pets? What about family: being near yours or theirs and how drastic will the separation be? And friends… and established life … and so on and so on.
But what if you remove everything exterior to the two of you? What if you were both only-child orphans? Does that change the perspective? I think you now focus on things like: Read More…
I went thrift shopping this weekend. It wasn’t planned but as my son hopped back into the car after a Rainbow Company meeting, he announced that we needed black pants and shoes before Monday.
“Yeah, mom. Set crew. We aren’t supposed to be seen or heard and dress rehearsals are this week.”
Ugh. I hate unplanned outings like this. But Sunday was already booked up so, it would have to be right then. Rolling my eyes, and fussing at him for the last minute rush, I slipped the car into drive and pulled away from the Arts Center.
As I often do when I find myself fuming, I took a moment to Read More…
Revolutionizing Wednesdays forever.
Five People You Should Avoid
It’s Hump Day again and this week, our Hump Day Life Hack takes a look at the people who derail our positive outlook and sometimes take our entire self-esteem off-track.
There are people who’re emotionally draining, psychologically taxing, and/or just plain time-eaters; they really do affect us in small ways each time we interact with them and, over time, they can leech our optimism, steal our drive, and drag us off into a grey world of negativity making joy and self-love difficult to see.
Letting go of negative people, ignoring them, or at least minimizing the time you spend with them is not Read More…
This Saturday I hung out with the Girl Scouts and made no-sew blankets for the Valley Hospital NICU. The little crafty-mom in me came alive for a few hours and I delighted in producing something so useful for those babies.
While I worked, I considered the beauty of such a thing.
Blankets are such a symbol of love and caring. We swaddle our babies in them, tuck our kids in at night with them, wrap ourselves in them and shuffle around the house when we’re sick, we cuddle beneath them with our loved ones, hell, someone even had the brilliant idea of commercializing them into weird pajamas too.
These particular blankets were made Read More…
So, I was at the mall the other day and I saw this mannequin in a store window.
It was headless, alabaster and shoeless, despite the apparent lack of pop-culture-beauty.
But it was so inspiring that I snapped a photo.
It reminded me of an idiom about someone wearing their heart on their sleeve, showing how they feel in a way that’s obvious to others.
And that got me thinking: Read More…
I went out this weekend
I went out this weekend.
Forty four years old and I went to a dance club.
(I’ll give you a second to regain consciousness and/or clear your throats of any obstructions caused by the inhaled gasp).
It was part of the celebration for my good friend’s birthday.
As soon as she invited me, my self-talk engine roared to life. Read More…
Low self-esteem is like driving thru life with the hand brake on …
Have you ever pulled out of the driveway and begun to drive, wondering why you can’t seem to get the normal traction and giddy-up your car typically gives. Then …
Beep beep beep
…the car complains that you’ve not fully released the brake?
I’ve done it.
Thankfully we have warning systems like that.
For the record, I also occasionally forget Read More…
How much is a person worth?
How many dollar bills can you say that a person is worth?
People try to figure it out, y’know. In cases of wrongful death and so forth. They try to use algorithms. Family health history, life expectancy, education levels, potential earnings, family situation (spouse? Kids? Does the spouse work?). Crunch the numbers and voila! Out comes a dollar value.
It’s all very scientific.
I wonder how much Read More…