Who is to blame

I have done things in my life

Some of them are wicked cool
and I can’t wait to tell everyone about them.

I’ll take the blame for those.
Cool Smiley

Some are not so sexy but not heinous.
I may speak of these to my friends,
but with some embarrassment.

 I’ll take the blame for those too.
Embarassed Smiley

But what of the heinous things?

What of the things that I feel the most shame about?
The things that hurt others? Or that may hurt them still?

Well these, I hide deep in the recesses of my vault of shame.
Security smiley

I speak about them to no one –

Or at least not until you’ve known me for years
and your motives have been thoroughly vetted.

And who is to blame?

No matter how the events unfolded,
somehow,
I accept full responsibility.

 Extenuating circumstances be damned Furious-icon.
Naiveté Naivete Smiley  is no excuse.

In my desire to control what happens,
to accept the reality of it,

 I accept full responsibility

Last night I spoke to a friend at length

And after more than a decade of friendship,
I uncovered my deepest darkest point of shame.
My Scarlet Letter revealed

“You were a victim,” he said.

I tried to protest.
“I’m nobody’s fool.  I’m not weak.  I should have known better,” I wept.
crying smiley

We discussed the thing that most deeply plagues me when it comes to shame:

“Who is responsible for that?”

Followed in short succession by:
“How can you be responsible for anyone’s decisions other than your own?”

And that machine gun of questions kept going
Bullets I would take only from him.

It riddled me with holes,
riddled my old method with holes.

As I sit here today –
looking at my old security blanket of “responsibility”
now shot to smithereens,

I listen to a song that I loved back in the 90’s,
Verve Pipe, Freshman, about a woman who got an abortion.

I listen and weep.

Today I mourn the loss of that old blanket …

and I consider making a new different one.

One that is less self-sabotaging, self-battering, more realistic, healthier.

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , ,

About ExaltedPeacock

Finding cool new things each day to love about me & those around me. Everyone is peacock beautiful. Celebrate it!

4 responses to “Who is to blame”

  1. Manoir says :

    I like ..kiss! !

  2. JAC says :

    Not sure if saying…I have no words… counts as a comment…but this one stuck a chord…let the reflection, mourning and maybe healing…in it’s own time begin…maybe.

  3. Nuri says :

    Wow! This is touching! You way you use words is incredible! “machine gun” questions that you would only take from him :p cleverness :). I also want to comment on your use of those cute:funny emoji icons! With such a serious peiece of writing I was shocked on how well they perfectly fit and added a hint of flavor that what makes you, exalted peacock stand out from other writings! Your unique way of writing, your signature, I can recognize it ANYWHERE! Thanks again for sharing 🙂

Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. 3 Keys to Self Love: Monday Motivation #30 | Exalted Peacock - August 12, 2013

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: