I lost something …

I’ve lost touch with someone recently.  I’m not sure how and when it happened, but a lot of time has passed since we last talked.

I’ve spent the past few days lamenting the loss, grieving.

I wonder if it was a conscious decision on his part; it certainly wasn’t one on mine.

I miss him and the joy he brought.  He was kind and thoughtful; we interacted in a magically fitted way, so smooth and easy, effortless and fulfilling.

One day we didn’t talk.  And then a day became two became a week and so on.

And now here we are…

Or rather … here we AREN’T.

…like my keys

I sometimes lose my keys.  In fact, it happens often enough that I have spare sets of keys for times when my keys disappear inconveniently.

I do look for them – at least until frustration sets in or until time runs out; then I grab the spare set and head out the door, reassuring myself that the original keys will turn up.

Releasing the mystery of the keys’ whereabouts relieves the frustration.  I’m not mad at the wayward key chain.  I don’t wonder why the keys abandoned me.

In that moment, I can only focus on the next thing(s) that need my attention.  I can only look forward and move on.

Why can’t people be keys?

So my friend who’s gone – he hasn’t answered my emails for days now.  I’ve reached a point of frustration that resembles the key scenario – and it makes me think of two things:

Thing 1: abundant appreciation

Why is his potential future with me more important than the real moments we lived?

During the relationship, I often commented on how much “we” brought me joy– how I appreciated the moments we had and the ways he delighted me.

But somehow, the recognition of our apparent current one-sided break led me down a road of reassessing what we were.  I questioned the authenticity of “us” and wondered if he ever really cared. Self-doubt gripped me; I feared that somehow I was “played.”

My spirit was muffled under the weight of it all.

And then thing 1 hit me: Instead of focusing on our apparent failure to meet our full potential, why not celebrate what we were?

We were beautiful and amazing as a relationship. The joy I found in those moments was real.  So why strip that down?  Why tear it apart now?

It feels so much better to sit in awe and appreciation of us than it does to attempt to erase and redefine us as something meaningless and irrelevant in my life.

Thing 2: spare keys are beautiful

Today I resolved to treat “us” as the original set of keys – the ones I lose all the time.  Being mad at him or resentful or hurt is harder when I think of us in this new way.

Maybe he’ll turn up again one day … maybe not.

In this moment – it doesn’t matter I have a set of spare keys!

So today I also vowed to reach for the spare keys.

And I discovered: my “spare keys” are ME!

I’m my own best company.  Time spent in activities I enjoy (like writing, reading and pondering human existence) is time well-spent indeed.

Merry Happy…

I heard “Merry Happy” by Kate Nash for the first time today after I wrote this blog.

I couldn’t have found a more fitting sentiment.

At some point, I will need to decide if I should replace the currently missing keys.

Today is not that day.

Today is a day to sit in appreciation:

Appreciation of the amazing experiences, conversations, warmth and affection that I shared with my friend.

And in appreciation for always having a spare set of keys.


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About ExaltedPeacock

Finding cool new things each day to love about me & those around me. Everyone is peacock beautiful. Celebrate it!

4 responses to “Keys”

  1. Nuri says :

    Okay so this idea of spare keys really bothers me.
    I say that because I dont like thinking about the fun memories because it makes me mad when I think about why or how that changed.
    I dont want a “spare” because a spare is something that u have until u find or replace your original thing.
    Now with keys, having a spare is something that just wouldnt work for me. If I’m gonna use that spare, I never expect to find the old ones nor do I care if I find them.
    If I get a spare, it becomes the “new” and those stupid old keys (that I was so attached to and put everything into try to find them) better never show up in front of me again, because they’ll just look like every other key, and I prob won’t even recognize them, and be shocked if they even recognize me.

    • ExaltedPeacock says :

      The part that I think you are missing, Nuri, is that the keys are GONE and right now and you have to get to work / go to school / live your life. This is a metaphor of course, but the idea that you “hold out” waiting for the keys to show up is a little ludicrous since the you’ve already torn the house apart looking for the keys in every place you can think of (you’ve put in work to contact the friend who no longer has time/energy for you such as in my case).
      Will you become a shut-in? At what point do you move on and accept that the keys (or the person you are thinking of) is gone? You cannot control them – are you gonna clap and whistle and somehow magically your keys will come running back to you waggling excitedly, ready to hop in the ignition? Silly example when of course, we are talking about people via analogy; but I really wanted the image to be clear and funny to make this point: YOU CAN’T CONTROL PEOPLE – not anymore than you can those keys.
      Sometimes the fact the the original is ruined / permanently gone is obvious (if you will allow me some latitude to change the analogy a bit): a flat tire is a better example of this. When you get a flat, sometimes it’s just a nail that you drove over (hence you use the spare for a bit and eventually fix the tire and re-use it). But sometimes there is a massive blow-out and the tire is torn to shreds in pieces along the road (clearly the spare tire will be in use until you replace that original tire).
      So, if you want to think of the “spare” key as the replacement for the original – I suppose that works.
      {Smiling facetiously} Especially considering the original key to your happiness really should have been YOU all along. 🙂

  2. JAC says :

    Even though you have come to peace with your missing “keys,” I look forward to hearing how unabashedly thrilled you are when they turn up out of the blue. We never go back and get re-frustrated again, we only look forward at how happy we are to have found them again.

    • ExaltedPeacock says :

      That is so so true! Thanks for reminding me that not only is there acceptance in the “missing”-ness but there is also something potentially positive in the the future as well.

      All in all a much better perspective than my usual melancholic self-doubt 🙂

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