I lost something …
I’ve lost touch with someone recently. I’m not sure how and when it happened, but a lot of time has passed since we last talked.
I’ve spent the past few days lamenting the loss, grieving.
I wonder if it was a conscious decision on his part; it certainly wasn’t one on mine.
I miss him and the joy he brought. He was kind and thoughtful; we interacted in a magically fitted way, so smooth and easy, effortless and fulfilling.
One day we didn’t talk. And then a day became two became a week and so on.
And now here we are…
Or rather … here we AREN’T.
…like my keys
I sometimes lose my keys. In fact, it happens often enough that I have spare sets of keys for times when my keys disappear inconveniently.
I do look for them – at least until frustration sets in or until time runs out; then I grab the spare set and head out the door, reassuring myself that the original keys will turn up.
Releasing the mystery of the keys’ whereabouts relieves the frustration. I’m not mad at the wayward key chain. I don’t wonder why the keys abandoned me.
In that moment, I can only focus on the next thing(s) that need my attention. I can only look forward and move on.
Why can’t people be keys?
So my friend who’s gone – he hasn’t answered my emails for days now. I’ve reached a point of frustration that resembles the key scenario – and it makes me think of two things:
Thing 1: abundant appreciation
Why is his potential future with me more important than the real moments we lived?
During the relationship, I often commented on how much “we” brought me joy– how I appreciated the moments we had and the ways he delighted me.
But somehow, the recognition of our apparent current one-sided break led me down a road of reassessing what we were. I questioned the authenticity of “us” and wondered if he ever really cared. Self-doubt gripped me; I feared that somehow I was “played.”
My spirit was muffled under the weight of it all.
And then thing 1 hit me: Instead of focusing on our apparent failure to meet our full potential, why not celebrate what we were?
We were beautiful and amazing as a relationship. The joy I found in those moments was real. So why strip that down? Why tear it apart now?
It feels so much better to sit in awe and appreciation of us than it does to attempt to erase and redefine us as something meaningless and irrelevant in my life.
Thing 2: spare keys are beautiful
Today I resolved to treat “us” as the original set of keys – the ones I lose all the time. Being mad at him or resentful or hurt is harder when I think of us in this new way.
Maybe he’ll turn up again one day … maybe not.
In this moment – it doesn’t matter I have a set of spare keys!
So today I also vowed to reach for the spare keys.
And I discovered: my “spare keys” are ME!
I’m my own best company. Time spent in activities I enjoy (like writing, reading and pondering human existence) is time well-spent indeed.
I heard “Merry Happy” by Kate Nash for the first time today after I wrote this blog.
I couldn’t have found a more fitting sentiment.
At some point, I will need to decide if I should replace the currently missing keys.
Today is not that day.
Today is a day to sit in appreciation:
Appreciation of the amazing experiences, conversations, warmth and affection that I shared with my friend.
And in appreciation for always having a spare set of keys.